It's vexing, from time to time. Actually, its vexing frequently; more precisely, most days; or, to tell the truth, damn near every day. Folks are always 'correcting' it for me on lists or applications or what not. Giving my name to a clerk in person or on the telephone almost always engenders one of six responses meant to be humorous, but that had become stale by the time I was twelve years old. I bet you can think of every one of them.
So, you ask, how did this appellation become attached to the sweet little baby that I most assuredly was? Well, I'll tell you the story as it was handed down from my imagination to me over the years. Some of it is true, the rest I'd like to think is true.
As my mom and I were resting in the hospital recovery room immediately after my birth, my father filled out my birth certificate. In the Greek tradition, I should have been named after my mother's father. (My older brother was named after my father's father.) My father, however, was not overly fond of the elder gentleman in question and so listed my maternal grandfather's first name, 'William', as my middle name. My father's colleagues had taken to calling my father 'Ted' because they couldn't think of a short version for his first name, 'Demetrius'. So, he listed 'Ted' as my first name. (You following this?)
Simple. My name is 'Ted W. Theodore'.
Not so fast, says my mom. When she registered me at kindergarten, she shoved the 'William' into the first name where, in her mind, it belonged. So, from then on, I was 'Tedwilliam (no middle name) Theodore'.
Everyone called me 'Tedwilliam'. All my school records listed me that way. My driving license listed me with a lengthy first name and no middle name. No one was the wiser. Until I was seventeen and needed a passport.
I asked my mom for a copy of my birth certificate to take to the passport agency. She told me it had been lost and we couldn't get another one. She suggested I use my driving license to get a passport, which didn't satisfy the good people at the passport place.
A couple of weeks went by and it became fairly urgent that I solve the birth certificate/passport issue. My mother finally produced a copy on which she had crossed out the 'Ted' and the 'William' and written, by hand, 'Tedwilliam' above the first name line. I was, as you can imagine, a bit shocked to discover that I had been operating under an assumed name my entire life. My mother, however, dismissed my concerns by saying that incompetent hospital clerks had made a mistake.
I took my altered birth certificate to the passport agency and, with great trepidation, informed them that, although it celebrated my birth and no one else's, the name was incorrect. They didn't blink a bureaucratic eye, giving me a passport that proclaimed proudly, to all the border agents in the world, that I was officially and forever more, 'Tedwilliam (no middle name) Theodore'. The only document that contradicts this proclamation is my birth certificate.
So, there you have it. However, just when you think its all over, its only begun. (Willie Nelson). When I was about forty years old, I became constitutionally unable to continue fending off questions, jokes, clever repartee, and incorrect corrections of my name. I began calling myself 'T.W.', which, depending how you look at it, is either my initials or a nickname.
Since 'Tedwilliam' is on all the documents I use, I guess 'T.W.' is a nickname. Unless, of course, one were to consider my birth certificate as controlling, in which case 'T.W.' are my initials.
Everyone called me 'Tedwilliam'. All my school records listed me that way. My driving license listed me with a lengthy first name and no middle name. No one was the wiser. Until I was seventeen and needed a passport.
I asked my mom for a copy of my birth certificate to take to the passport agency. She told me it had been lost and we couldn't get another one. She suggested I use my driving license to get a passport, which didn't satisfy the good people at the passport place.
A couple of weeks went by and it became fairly urgent that I solve the birth certificate/passport issue. My mother finally produced a copy on which she had crossed out the 'Ted' and the 'William' and written, by hand, 'Tedwilliam' above the first name line. I was, as you can imagine, a bit shocked to discover that I had been operating under an assumed name my entire life. My mother, however, dismissed my concerns by saying that incompetent hospital clerks had made a mistake.
I took my altered birth certificate to the passport agency and, with great trepidation, informed them that, although it celebrated my birth and no one else's, the name was incorrect. They didn't blink a bureaucratic eye, giving me a passport that proclaimed proudly, to all the border agents in the world, that I was officially and forever more, 'Tedwilliam (no middle name) Theodore'. The only document that contradicts this proclamation is my birth certificate.
So, there you have it. However, just when you think its all over, its only begun. (Willie Nelson). When I was about forty years old, I became constitutionally unable to continue fending off questions, jokes, clever repartee, and incorrect corrections of my name. I began calling myself 'T.W.', which, depending how you look at it, is either my initials or a nickname.
Since 'Tedwilliam' is on all the documents I use, I guess 'T.W.' is a nickname. Unless, of course, one were to consider my birth certificate as controlling, in which case 'T.W.' are my initials.
Despite the lack of clarity, 'T.W.' seems to work in conversation, but doesn't entirely serve as my actual, formal, legal written name. Perhaps I'll just begin calling myself 'Fred'.